I want to share a profound experience I had at the beginning of April when I participated in the kickoff of a deep, transformational group coaching experience. For those who do not know me well, I love to do deep, deep healing work, which can be very intense but worthwhile. No, I am not a glutton for punishment. I genuinely believe that this healing work is necessary to remove the barriers brought on by my own traumas and hardships so that my authentic self, the best version of myself I am intended to be, can be free to express itself in the world. For those who know me well, you are not surprised by this self-disclosure.

I want to share an experience in this kickoff that struck me in a powerful way. We ended the second day of courageously vulnerable shares and authentic connection with acknowledgments. I take privacy very seriously, so I made sure to get permission from the group members before sharing my experience. I will omit any details to protect the group’s privacy.

At the end of the second day, we each had our turn on what I affectionately called the hot seat. One by one, each of us took this seat and received acknowledgments from the group. Acknowledgments are more than just compliments. In the coaching world, acknowledgments are expressions of appreciation, recognition, or validation offered to the receiver. They are specific, genuine, and focused on recognizing the receiver’s strengths, courage, brilliance, and growth.

One by one, each of us hesitated, locking eyes with the other members, hoping that someone else would speak up and have the courage to sit in the chair. Eventually, every one of us, with reluctance, occupied the seat. Now, this was not a required activity. We were not forced to do it, yet each of us, even with reluctance, chose to sit in the hot seat. It struck me that as each person sat in the hot seat and took in the acknowledgments, they were visibly uncomfortable—not just a little uncomfortable, but A LOT uncomfortable.

My heart was beating out of my chest when it was my turn. I felt like I was about to free-fall from a plane or jump off a hundred-foot cliff. I felt dread, and at the same time, I felt excitement and exhilaration. I recognized that the terror and dread were an experience of my ego self as this part of me felt threatened by this experience as if I was not going to survive the experience. I also recognized that the excitement and exhilaration came from my higher self, my true essence, as it was much like a puppy dog pulling aggressively at its leash with excited anticipation about what was to come. Despite being overcome by these seemingly opposed emotional experiences, I wanted to be in the hot seat. Based on my group coaching mates' body language and facial expressions, I suspect they felt similarly.

As I witnessed this experience for myself and others, I had a profound insight – isn’t it fascinating that the very thing we so desperately crave is the thing that we are so terrified of? We desperately want to be seen and valued, to feel like we matter to everyone else, yet, in the moment of truth, we are also terrified of truly being seen. Herein lies the great paradox – to be seen or not to be seen.

This paradox arises from the conflict between the desire for validation and connection that comes with being seen and the fear of vulnerability and potential rejection accompanying true visibility. On one hand, we naturally desire to be acknowledged, understood, and validated by others. We want our thoughts, feelings, and experiences to be recognized and appreciated. Being seen in this way fosters a sense of connection, belonging, and significance. It validates our existence and helps us feel valued in our social fabric. It is in our DNA to belong. Because we are pack animals, our survival depends on belonging to the pack. Therefore, it is a fundamental human need to feel belonging, and this need for belonging is intricately wired into a survival system in our brain, which ups the ante of belonging.

Alongside this desire for recognition, there’s often a deep-seated fear of being truly seen for who we are. This fear comes from various sources, such as past experiences of rejection or judgment, insecurities about our flaws and imperfections, and the inherent vulnerability that comes with exposing our authentic selves. Being truly seen means being vulnerable enough to reveal our true thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities, even those we may not fully understand, feel comfortable, or outright judge or reject in ourselves. It means opening ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, criticism, or misunderstanding. This level of exposure can be frightening because it challenges our sense of control and our innate propensity for self-protection.

Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, has extensively explored belonging in her work. Brown, often called the queen of shame, vulnerability, and belonging, has written many books that delve into these topics. Some of these books include The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, The Power of Vulnerability, Rising Strong, and Atlas of the Heart. In her book Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, she dives deep into the concept of belonging. She discusses belonging as a fundamental human need. Brown argues that belonging is not about fitting in or conforming to societal expectations but rather about being accepted for who you are, flaws and all.

Belonging requires individuals to authentically show up as themselves, embracing their vulnerabilities rather than hiding them. This means staying true to your values, beliefs, and identity even when it may be challenging or unpopular. True belonging doesn’t require us to sacrifice our authenticity or individuality to fit in with a group. Instead, Brown suggests that belonging starts with belonging to oneself, being authentic and true to who we are, even if it means standing alone at times. This vulnerability fosters genuine connections and deeper relationships. In this regard, Brené Brown highlights how belonging is intimately connected with courageous vulnerability.

Brené Brown describes vulnerability as the core of difficult emotions like fear, shame, insecurity, and uncertainty. However, vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. Brené Brown suggests that we must be willing to show our true selves and risk rejection to connect with others and find a sense of belonging. She argues that allowing ourselves to be vulnerable—by sharing our fears, insecurities, and struggles—creates the opportunity for deeper, more meaningful relationships. Embracing our imperfections and sharing our experiences with others without fear of judgment builds the path to stronger connections. When we are willing to show up as our true selves, flaws and all, we give others permission and courage to do the same.

Vulnerability cultivates genuine connection, leading to the sense of belonging we need. Many people view vulnerability as a weakness. Brené Brown frames vulnerability not as a weakness but rather as courage in its purest form. Brown believes that vulnerability is essential for personal growth and resilience. We can develop greater emotional resilience and inner strength by facing our vulnerabilities head-on rather than avoiding or numbing them. Overall, Brown’s work on vulnerability encourages individuals to embrace their imperfections, lean into discomfort, and cultivate the courage to be authentic and true to themselves, even when it feels scary or uncertain. She believes vulnerability is the key to living wholeheartedly and experiencing life’s fullest potential.

Navigating the paradox of desperately wanting to be seen and simultaneously being terrified of it requires a delicate balance of courage, self-acceptance, and trust. In this respect, trust is not about others accepting you; it is human nature to preserve one’s identity by judging and rejecting others. Trust, therefore, is about believing that you will be ok no matter what and will rise above any judgment, criticism, or outright rejection stronger and more resilient, much like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

In these moments of vulnerability and authenticity, we find our sense of belonging by being true to ourselves, not by fitting in. My experience in this transformational group coaching reaffirmed the profound truth that to be fully seen and accepted, we must first be willing to be vulnerable, embrace our true selves, and share that authenticity with the world.